A Truth

There is a spiritual truth no one seems to talk about. It is uncomfortable and is not a HAPPY truth. I noticed that since "The Secret" came out we all seem to want comfortable, happy truths. If you want to bring something into your life you have to rid get rid of something. Another way to put this is you have to deny yourself something. To lose weight, you give up some foods. To get friends, you have to give up a degree of your solitude. To be out of debt, you pay your bills and do not spend foolishly. There are so many examples in everyday life, of giving up something in order to get what you desire.

To get love into your life you may have to give up hate, or strong dislike or being judgmental about others. That feeling of secret superiority we can all be guilty of feeling, about others, it not a feeling that attracts anything positive. You may have to give up habits of thinking about HIM or hating the woman HE is now with. You may think you want HIM but what you are truly wanting is love. To get love, you must give up it's opposite. If you have been wanting HIM back for a long time, you have your work to do. Quit hating, it's the opposite of what you are trying to attract.

You get through it

Battered and bruised, you get through it.
Small victories privately celebrated "I did not think of him for an hour"
"I laughed at a joke"

Listening to and really hearing the conversations around you.

Pride in not being asked how you are doing, because your recovery shows.
Wearing makeup to look pretty, not because you fear you may run into him.

Determination to make better choices.
Ceasing to wonder why and just accepting that it is, what it is.

Your thinking changes....... to wondering why you ever tolerated, or thought you had to tolerate those things that hurt you, those things that made you feel less than worthy, less than honored.
Less than loved. You start looking forward to loving again because this time, you will know the signs to look for, this time you will be a success. Because something inside simply will not allow you to be treated as inferior.

Feeling a strange sense of pity for the man who thought he could do better. Then a strange sense of relief that you are not with that man who is so dumb.

It all changes, just give it time and be kind to you. Take care of you.

Happy?

I have several male clients. What they can't seem to 'get' is why, when they try so hard, SHE is never happy and it's never enough. They always seem to fall down on their full time job which is to MAKE HER HAPPY. The fact that she is not a happy person anyhow never seems to occur to anyone. The guys (bless their hearts) just keep trying.

Now if I was talking to their female counterpart I would hear "He used to text me 10 times a day and call me at least 4 times a day just to hear my voice". That was before. Before what?
Before he realized he was spending 4 to 5 hours a day on the phone, before his work fell far behind and the boss was screaming, before he started to understand that if he was calling 4 times a day, you wanted 6.

This whole subject of happiness really bothers me because everyone out there wants the other to make them happy. It's not possible. You have to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you. No one can love you the way you can love yourself, and I am not talking about the ego here. Nothing will make the ego happy for more than a few moments. The man/woman cannot ever make you feel happy or validated for long. Life just moves too quickly for that.

What are you doing to make you happy? Why are you expecting another to take better care of you than you take care of yourself? Thats just wrong. It is not anothers' duty, it belongs to you and you alone.

In my 30's I was so busy with kids, a demanding job and a host of other things. It never occured to me that I was supposed to even try to be happy. I filled out one of those silly questionaires
in a waiting room and one of the questions was "What do you like to do for fun?" I had no answer. Fun? I was supposed to have fun? When was I supposed to fit THAT in? I thought for weeks about what I would like to do, and I decided to take painting classes. Once a week. Wow,
imagine that 2 hours a week just for me. To this day I love it. I do it for me. It makes me HAPPY. I love everything about it, the mess, the color, the brushes, the canvas I am working on. Now, when I need a shot of joy, I just close my door and paint.

No other person can do for you what you can do for yourself. When you have a hobby or a passion, HE/SHE will still matter, it's just easier to find your own happiness and it takes a load off your mate. Start being responsible for your own happiness. Glow with it. Your mate will surely notice and if for some reason he does not, it won't matter.

The Breakup

What now? I can predict you will spend the new several weeks, if not months trying to figure out WHY this happened. Why he decided you were not long term or why he left you for the bimbo at the bar, or decided to try again with his ex. The truth is you will never know exactly why no matter how many psychics you call. Even asking him will not answer your question. You would not accept the answer anyhow if he had just one reason, there are normally dozens of reasons. So get used to not knowing WHY.

The next few weeks will be hard. Do not make the mistake of hooking up with his friend to get even or seek validation, in fact his best friends are off limits now. No calling to ask how they are, they all know what you really want to ask is "How is HE, is he missing me or seeing anyone else?" Any forms of stalking (hacking emails, hacking cell phones, hiding in bushes, calling his family or friends, driving by his house or job, hacking his credit card to see what he is spending) and yes I have heard all of these and more have to stop. Why? Because the end result is just more pain. Knowing he spent $128 dollars on a dinner Saturday night will just hurt. In fact all of it just prolongs the hurt. Why would anyone want to do that? Everyone says they have a right to know. No you do not have that right. It is wrong. Legally, emotionally, spiritually wrong to invade another persons privacy.

The Magic Vagina

I have so many female clients tell of of their first date.
They have sex and feel as though it is a shortcut to a having a great relationship.
As though the physical intimacy can somehow make up for the lack of emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy takes time.

The women who take the shortcuts......well I get calls because after a few weeks or months, the man is not calling or showing any signs of life.
I often hear how they know he will be back around because he has never had such amazing sex.

Ok ladies, we all have a vagina. It is not magic. The only magic that happens is when two people fall in love and commit to each other. Love should happen first. Sex is just simply not enough.

What is his favorite color? Favorite memory? Did he have a great childhood? A sad one?
So many women could draw his penis and yet not be able to describe how he behaves when in a temper, or hungry, or sad or happy. They have never met his family, or best friends.

Let's face it, sex is easy. Go into any bar and you will see quickly.

While great sex is great, even greater is knowing you are with the man who cares for you.
That he loves you with everything within him.

You are selling yourself short without that. You are devaluing yourself by giving away the most intimate part of yourself to a stranger.

HE is not going to 'come back' because the sex was amazing. Not unless it's just going to be for sex alone, do you want to be his quickie?

If what you are seeking is a relationship, there are no easy shortcuts to take.

If you are just seeking some attention and sex, keep right on, thats exactly what you will get.

You cannot tell the universe you want a relationship, with all the frills and intimacy of being with your best friend and the jump in bed with just any guy. Huh? The universe will listen to what you SAY you want, but will give you what you SHOW you want. Decide, it is your choice.

Sisterhood and the OTHER Woman

The cute guy smiles at you, he flirts openly and you are instantly smitten.
You see a ring on his all important finger. Or he tells you of his long standing girlfriend.
Time goes by and soon you are talking on the phone, meeting, kissing and more.

He tells you how awesome it is, you finish his sentences. You are meant to be together.
You complete each other.

You finally ask about her, and hear what a manipulative, controlling, selfish BITCH she is.
He makes you feel that you and only you can make him happy.


REALITY CHECK. That bitch is most always some poor woman who hooked up with
an egotistical man and adored him, as time went on she had a job, kids, a home to clean and she
did not have the time to adore him. Babies were bawling and Mr. Wonderful spent his time
trying to look busy so he would not have to help. She got angry, words were spoken and the fights were on. She resented him and he was bewildered by her changes (or so he says), where is the adoring woman he used to know and love? Up to her elbows in dishes and diapers and soccer Mom stuff.

Then he finds you, and you are groomed, no baby spit-up stains on your shoulder! You even spray perfume on and you flirt back. He has found another angel to adore. He bitterly complains how she spends all his money (orthodontists for junior with the overbite costs a lot of money).
You feel righteous indignation for this poor suffering man who cannot tell you strongly enough how you are his ministering angel. He only has peace when with you. You hate her, she deserves your contempt.

REALITY CHECK You are hating and hurting your sister. You don't know her, except through him and he is biased.
How can you hate her? You act as if she stole him from you. Sisterhood is about not betraying another woman. It is about understanding that SHE is not the enemy. No matter what he says about her. You want bad karma? Then go about destroying a home. You will get back more than you can handle.

The married or taken guy has a lot of advantages. He knows all about PMS, he knows how to soothe things over, after all he has had to deal with it for years.

From the 'other' woman, I hear the pain over the promises he made. He promised to leave her, he promised to be 'true', he promised so many wonderful things and even lived up to it for a time. Remember he promised things to her as well....like to love, and honor her. Should you be surprised when after breaking those vows to her, he breaks them to you?


What about the man who is separated? Is he fair game? Ask how long he has been away, have any papers been filed? Did he leave promising her he would work it out?

Lets say she met another and left him. Ok, now thats a different scenario, she left him.

There are 'mean and bad' women out there, however I almost never see that in a reading.
Usually 'SHE" is not a bad person, usually she loves the man but is frustrated.
I do have clients who have ended up with HIM. I do not have a single client who is happy being with HIM. He needs to end his relationships (and so do you) before starting a new one.
He should be healed from the past.

Pain is pain no matter how the relationship started. Someone is going to be hurt. There is no WIN when you purposefully intend to hurt another person, you have to pay at some point and it really, really, hurts when you do. When you love HIM with all your heart, remember, you have loved before and you will love again. Love is never wasted.

Remember hurting another has consequences and it is far easier to just look at him and RUN before starting down this pain filled journey.

Keeping Score

If you want a sure way to being miserable, start keeping score.
"I called him six times and he only called me once." "I sent him a romantic
card and he never sent me one" "I initiated sex the last five times."

If you do something nice to get a specific result from a person, that is nothing
but manipulation.

If you do nice things all the time and get no thanks back, or an attitude of
"I deserve this", then you may want to look hard at this relationship.

Lately my readings have had a lot to do with score keeping and little to do with love.